


It'll all end in tears (or prison, probably)

by Kiraly



Category: The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Ficlet Collection, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 01:11:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16882782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiraly/pseuds/Kiraly
Summary: After an encounter with "that little shit Eugenides" sends Nahuseresh to jail, his roommate Kamet finds solace from an unexpected source.Meanwhile, Eugenides is also sitting in a jail cell. Luckily for him, he has connections in high places.(A pair of modern AU ficlets based on Tumblr prompts)





	1. Barfights and not-quite-boyfriends

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm uploading some Tumblr ficlets here, just in case things get even worse over there. Minutia_r is to blame for both of these. First chapter is Costis/Kamet pre-slash, second chapter is Gen/Irene.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _minutia-r asked: Okay, so, I still haven't read the new book, but since it's an AU anyway I figure spoilers aren't so much an issue as long as I'm familiar with the characters and thus: for Kamet/Costis, either "our friends that we came here with went off together and now we’re making awkward small talk" or "my date just made a scene in public and got arrested and now i’m stranded in a city without a ride home" (that second one could be a canon-divergent AU from QoA frankly)_  
>  (So I’ve been sitting on this one for a while because I couldn’t decide which one to do - I liked the idea of “my date just made a scene in public” but couldn’t decide whose date would do that. Then I realized: Why not both?)

“Are you all right?”

The words startled Kamet out of the loop his thoughts had been in ever since they dragged Nahuseresh from the bar in handcuffs. He’d been staring at his own hands, taking note of the ink staining the callus on his his right middle finger. If he’d been left to his own devices, he would be at home right now, safely ensconced in his bedroom (the smaller of the two - he’d let Nahuseresh have the big one) with a pen in his hand and his notebook open on the desk. For all that late nights got lonely in an empty apartment, there was a certain peace to it, too.

But Nahuseresh had insisted on dragging him out drinking (”You’ll never meet someone if you stay holed up in here all the time!”) and as with all things involving Nahuseresh, Kamet hadn’t resisted very hard. There was no point in telling his roommate the truth: that he didn’t  _want_ to “meet someone” because the guy who slept in the room next to his was everything he wanted. And he’d thought, foolishly, that one night out wouldn’t kill him.

That was before “that little shit Eugenides” (Nahuseresh’s words, spit out like a mouthful of vinegar) waltzed in with his hulking boyfriend/bodyguard and stirred everything up. Kamet had seen it coming: his roommate’s increased agitation, his muttering, the way he couldn’t stop scowling at the table where the other two were sitting. But nothing he did could calm Nahuseresh down. Then the bodyguard had gone off to the bathroom, and Eugenides strolled over “to say hello”. Ten minutes, three broken chairs, and one shattered window later, Eugenides and Nahuseresh were being ushered into separate police cars. And now Eugenides’ boyfriend was inquiring after Kamet’s health.

“I…what?” Kamet hadn’t really gotten a good look at the guy before, but now he found himself staring into a pair of concerned eyes that didn’t match the persona he’d conjured up. Any friend/boyfriend/lackey of Eugenides should have been no friend to Kamet. He was pretty sure that was how it worked, anyway.

But the other guy didn’t seem to know that. “You look pretty out of it. Did you get in the way of the fight? Gen flails all over the place when he gets riled up.” He searched Kamet’s face for injury, and finding nothing, picked up one of his hands. Kamet flinched, and the other man quickly released him. “Sorry. I thought you might be hurt.”

“I’m fine,” Kamet said automatically. It usually worked when he said it to Nahuseresh, but it didn’t satisfy this guy.

“Are you sure? How much did you have to drink? Can you tell me your name?”

Kamet shook his head. “I only had half a beer, it’s fine.” And then, because the other guy was still waiting, he said, “I’m Kamet.”

“Costis,” the man said, extending his hand. As Kamet shook it, he added, “And sorry for all the questions. You looked like you were in shock.”

Shock would certainly explain the numbness, but that wasn’t why Kamet felt like he’d been kicked in the chest. It wasn’t even seeing Nahuseresh arrested. It was what his roommate had said right before they took him away.

 _Get the hell out of here, Kamet. I don’t want your help anyway, you’re useless._ It wasn’t the first time he’d something like that, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“Kamet. Hey, earth to Kamet.” Eugenides’ boyfriend - Costis, his name was Costis - was still talking to him. “Look, do you want to get out of here? Maybe some fresh air would help.”

There was plenty of fresh air coming through the broken window, but Kamet followed him anyway. It was better outside. He could stop trying to keep an eye on everyone around him - the bartender scowling as he swept up glass shards, the whispering girls at the end of the bar, the policemen hanging out as though waiting for something else to start - and focus on Costis. For all that he was a potential enemy, his solid presence was a comfort. He led the way down the street like someone who knew where he was going, so they’d walked two blocks before Kamet dared to question him.

“Umm. Where are you taking me?”

Costis stopped so fast that Kamet nearly ran into him. “Oh.  _Oh_ , I’m sorry! I was in such a rush to get you out of there and somewhere quiet, I didn’t even think to ask where you live. Do you know which bus you need? Or a cab might be better, at this time of night.”

“A cab?” Kamet shook his head. It was a kind thought, but impractical. “I live all the way out in Mede. If we go back to the bar, I can find where we parked and - oh.” Nahuseresh had the car keys. And the key to the apartment, because Kamet had left his behind, thinking he wouldn’t need it. “Shit.”

“What is it?” It was weird, how  _concerned_ Costis looked. They were strangers to each other. If it had been the other way around, Kamet would probably have left Costis and hoped he figured things out. At least, he thought that’s what he would do. It was what Nahuseresh would do, probably.

But since Costis had offered to help, Kamet wasn’t about to turn him down. The situation was pretty desperate. Kamet sighed. “I think I’d better go to the police station, actually. Nahuseresh has the keys. And I should wait for him, anyway.” There probably wasn’t anything he could do, but maybe his presence would be a comfort. _Gods, I’m pathetic._

Costis didn’t seem too happy about that idea. “The police station? They’ll be stuck there for hours, and it’s late already. Even if you want to pay your friend’s bail, it’ll take forever. It’s probably best to catch some sleep, let them cool off, and go deal with it in the morning.”

“But I can’t just  _leave_ him!” Why didn’t Costis understand? Nahuseresh might be a little thoughtless and quick to anger, but he didn’t deserve to spend the night in jail without even a friend to support him. Even if he didn’t share Kamet’s feelings, that didn’t change how Kamet felt. “And are you really going to leave your - Gen there? I thought you’d want to help him.”

Costis waved that away. “Nah, I’ve already told him I’m not bailing him out anymore. I called his wife, she’s going to deal with it.”

Kamet’s thoughts ground to a halt. “His  _wife?”_

“Yeah, Irene. I almost feel a little bad for the police officers, having to deal with her,” Costis said. He grimaced. “And I’m sure she’s pissed at me. I was supposed to keep Gen out of trouble, and look what happened. She won’t let me forget this anytime soon.”

The universe was still rearranging itself in Kamet’s head, so his next words weren’t well thought-out. “He really has a wife. I thought  _you_ were his—”

“You thought - Gen? And me?” Amazingly, Costis didn’t seem at all offended, he just laughed. “No, no. There was a time when I might have, but - no.” Then, as though it had just occurred to him, “Are you and Nahuseresh…?”

“What? No! No no no.” Was he that obvious? He probably was. “We’re roommates. That’s all.”  _Unfortunately_.

“Ah. Good.”

_Good?!_

“I mean - sorry! I didn’t get a very good impression of him, that’s all. That stuff he said to you was pretty nasty.” Costis gave him a searching look. “Is he always like that when he drinks?”

Nahuseresh was always like himself, whether he was sober or shit-faced. But it felt disloyal to say that out loud. “He doesn’t mean it when he talks like that. He regrets it later.” Not that he ever  _said_ so.

Rather than looking reassured, Costis frowned harder. “And he was your ride home.” They’d walked back to the corner where they’d started; any minute, Costis would probably call a cab and be on his way. Kamet found himself regretting that. It was kind of nice, having someone to talk to who actually seemed interested in what he had to say. Maybe they could exchange phone numbers and meet up some time - but no, not if Costis was friends with Eugenides. Nahuseresh wouldn’t like that.

“So if you’re stuck in the city until he gets out of jail,” Costis said, “Do you have a place to stay? Because if you don’t…well…you could stay at my place. It’s not very big, but it’s close, and my roommate moved out last month so I have an extra bed…but only if you want to! I know we just met, it’s a little weird…” He trailed off, looking everywhere but at Kamet.

On the other hand, maybe it didn’t matter so much what Nahuseresh liked. Especially since he was in jail, and it was his fault, really, that Kamet was in this situation.

“That…would be great, actually,” Kamet said. “If you’re sure it’s not too much trouble.”

Costis raised his eyes to meet Kamet’s, and he smiled. “Okay. Come on, it’s this way.” He slung an arm around Kamet’s shoulder to get him out of the way as a drunk staggered past, and even when they got past the crowd in front of the bar, he didn’t let go. After a moment, Kamet put his own arm around Costis.

Maybe this night wouldn’t be the death of him after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some ideas kicking around for continuing this, but I haven't made them happen yet. I'm curious to know if anyone's interested in reading more of this silly AU, so if you have thoughts, please let me know!


	2. Making Bail (and amends)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _minutia-r asked: - Irene showing up to bail Gen out of jail in the Kamet/Costis modern AU/i >_

“I thought I asked you to behave yourself.”

Eugenides opened his eyes. “You came for me. I’ve been waiting sooo long.”

Irene folded her arms and looked down at him–a long way down, because the cot in the jail cell was low to the ground, and Eugenides was lying with his head hanging off the end. Even upside-down, she didn’t look amused. “You do remember what I was doing tonight, don’t you?”

If he  _had_ forgotten, her attire–the elegant wine-red dress, the diamonds in her ears, and shoes with heels that could kill a man–would have reminded him. “Some business dinner, right? One that didn’t require my presence?”

“Correct.” She tapped one manicured finger against the clasp of her purse. “As I recall, you were ‘indisposed’ this evening and couldn’t attend. Imagine how awkward it would have been for me to leave early to bail my invalid husband out of jail.” Someone who didn’t know her well might have thought Irene was every bit as calm and collected as she seemed. Eugenides knew better.

“Would it help if I said I didn’t mean to?” He rolled over and sat up. “As you can see, I’m horribly injured.”

Irene rolled her eyes. “It would if I believed you. And you are  _not_.”

Eugenides allowed some of his annoyance to show on his face. “How do you know? Look, I’m sure this is going to be a black eye.” He gestured at the right side of his face.

Now Irene’s eyes narrowed, but not because of the bruise. “They took your prosthetic?”

 _Oh. Right._ Eugenides tucked his wrist under his left arm and shrugged. “I might have provoked them.”

“Really.” Her voice could have frozen lava.

“I mean, what’s the point of having a top-of-the-line prosthetic hand if you can’t use the special features–”

Irene closed her eyes. “You used the laser pointer, didn’t you?” She didn’t wait for Eugenides to answer. “It doesn’t matter, it’s still five kinds of illegal. I’ll be right back.” She turned on her heel and strode down the hall.

Eugenides flopped back down on the cot. “Go get ‘em, dear.”

* * *

The drive home from the station was quiet. Eugenides idly flicked the laser pointer in his middle finger on and off, staring out the window. Irene clenched her jaw and focused on driving; she wasn’t going to be the one to speak first. Finally, when she thought she would have to pull over and fling her husband’s prosthetic hand out the window, he said, “You know, this is at least a little bit your fault.”

“Excuse me?” That was too much, even for him.

“I mean, if you’re going to leave me  _all alone_ for those boring dinners–”

“I did not  _leave you alone,_ Costis was–”

“Ah, Costis.” Eugenides sighed. “I hope he wasn’t too upset with me.”

“You hope  _Costis–”_ Irene slammed on the brakes. “I told you to behave yourself!” Not that he  _ever_ listened to her, but no one could say she hadn’t tried.

“And I did!”

“You got  _arrested._ For  _assault,_ and  _property damage,_ and  _resisting arrest–”_

Eugenides reclined his seat and rested his hands behind his head. “Yes. Good thing all those charges mysteriously went away when my lawyer wife started talking about prisoner abuse and putting the police department through a full investigation.” He smiled. “So convenient.”

Irene rested her forehead against the steering wheel. “You’re unbelievable. You did that on purpose.” She shouldn’t have been surprised, but somehow she was.

“I wonder if Nahuseresh has gotten out yet. Normally I’d say his friend Kamet would bail him out, but he seemed–where are you going?” Irene had unbuckled her seatbelt and was opening the car door.

“If you hadn’t been so busy gloating, you might have noticed that we’re home now. I’m going inside.” She slammed the door.

Despite her dangerous shoes–she should have come home and changed first, it would have served him right–she got all the way to the house before Eugenides caught up with her. “Irene–”

“If you’re going to apologize, save your breath.” Maybe she should have left him in jail overnight. Except, it probably would have worried her more than it would him. 

“I was only going to say, you were magnificent back there.” The yellow porch light cast soft shadows on his face, making him look young and vulnerable. “Thank you for coming to rescue me, my queen.”

It wasn’t an apology, but Irene softened slightly at the nickname. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Does that mean I’m sleeping on the couch tonight?” Eugenides leaned against the door. “I’ll dream about you fondly.”

Irene unlocked the door and pushed it open. When Eugenides didn’t move, she sighed. “You’re impossible.”

He reached up and fitted his palm against her cheek. “Then isn’t it lucky for me,” he said, leaning forward, “that you have a reputation for doing the impossible?”

She kissed him then, and if she was a little too fierce in her efforts–well. She’d had a long day, and her feet were starting to hurt. And for all his dramatics, her husband wasn’t too bruised to return her affections in kind.

It wasn’t until she got inside and was preparing for bed that she noticed he’d somehow managed to pluck the diamonds from her ears. Irene sighed, and went to see what Eugenides had done with them. Knowing him, it probably involved a laser pointer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eugenides, you little shit.


End file.
